Belong
by Kicollette
Summary: Story inspired by artwork at Art-of-the-Dwarves on tumblr ( won't let me paste URL here, site is beautiful). this picture is the husband of Dis. I wanted to write a story about the father of Fili and Kili, mostly from Kili's perspective. Thorin could never replace their father, but he would try to be a better Uncle. No slash, just family.


Uncle Thorin was a mysterious and sometimes frightening presence in Kili's life. He would be gone for months, sometimes a year at a time. When Thorin was in the Blue Mountains, he was mostly tired, troubled, or angry. There was endless business to attend to - meeting with Longbeard elders and advisors, making trade agreements, and planning defenses. Kili was warned to keep quiet and keep out of the adults' way.

Sometimes Thorin would speak long into the night with Ma about their missing father. That often happened before Thorin's longest times away - the ones that upset Ma the most. She would beg him not to go. Thorin never listened to her. There was never any good news at the end of those journeys.

Thorin often sent letters. He wrote short, pleasant notes to Kili. He wrote long letters to Fili that were full of instruction on what to study and practice, for Thorin would quiz Fili when he saw them next. Thorin had high expectations of Fili, and Fili never disappointed his Uncle.

Thorin was closer to Fili, his heir, and took a greater role in guiding him. The difference was obvious, but Kili did not mind. When Thorin was there, it seemed that their father held Kili extra close, happy that this youngest son was still his. Kili much preferred the attention of his father to the gruff Uncle Thorin.

Once, Thorin had even taken Fili on an trip to another part of the mountain range, to conduct business among the Dwarves. Thorin insisted Fili was old enough and needed to learn the art of negotiation first hand. Their father reluctantly agreed, and let Fili go. Kili stayed behind, and again did not mind. His father thought something needed to be made up to Kili, and took him all the way to the coast to fish in the sea and camp. Dwarves were not fond of the sea, but Father had guessed Kili would like it, and he was right. It had been a great adventure.

Kili spent a day playing with children of a fisherman, who mistook him for a smallish ten-year-old boy of their own kind. They did not believe he was a Dwarfling of forty until Father caught up with them. They had never seen a Dwarf before.

"He will be my boy for another forty years before I have to worry about him leaving home." Father told the fisherman. The fisherman looked wistfully at his own half-grown children and remarked that Dwarves must be the most fortunate race on Middle-earth.

(*****)

Thorin had been with them in the Blue Mountains for half a year - the longest uninterrupted stretch Kili remembered. Thorin had become no less mysterious in that amount of time. Familiarity did not creep in. Thorin was still formal and brooding. The Dwarves were having a hard year. Trade with Men was going badly. Their farmers and trappers had abandoned some lands due to Orc activity, and scarcity drove up the price of all goods. It was going to be a difficult winter, plus the Orcs had grown bold enough to begin attacking the northern Blue Mountain Dwarves. Thorin was their Prince. He had to do something.

Mister Dwalin was often at their hearth, talking to Father and Uncle Thorin. Mister Balin joined them. A great many Dwarves with maps and weapons and plans came by. They were going North, to wage war against the Orcs.

It was not a large group of Orcs, Father assured Ma. They were a smallish group of smart, mobile raiding parties. Still, Thorin was going to be cautious. He would be sure the Dwarves outnumbered the Orcs. Father was an experienced warrior, as were the rest chosen to go. They would be gone a month. Life would be easier when the Orcs were gone.

One month turned into two when the snowstorms came early and harsh. Then a third month passed.

Uncle Thorin and most of his troops came back, carrying their dead.

Thorin arranged the funerals - there weren't many. He tended to the widows and orphans - even fewer. Father had been one of the few family men to fall. Thorin stayed with his sister for a month. He promised he would stay closer to home, visit more frequently, and help her raise her sons. Then, with a break in the weather, he and his warriors left once more to be sure they had killed every remaining Orc in the North.

Dis made the boys go back to school. Kili didn't like school. He didn't like to sit still and quiet for so long. This past year, he had grown to hate school. He didn't like the teasing. He was tall for his age, and lean. His cheeks were smooth, more so than any girl in his classes. It hadn't been such a problem before, but he was older now and should have started to look more like a proper Dwarf in middle school.

Fili was teased about him - 'where is your twin sister today?'. But Fili was a skilled fighter - a natural talent and trained by the best warriors in the Blue Mountains, thanks to Uncle Thorin's arrangements. No smart Dwarfling teased Fili twice. A few dumb ones tried two or three times before they stopped.

Kili was the fastest boy in any class, but the other boys were stronger. Kili's fights usually ended in a stalemate, broken up by an instructor, so they never really ended.

At least the teasing stopped. Everyone knew his father had been lost. Kili had been left alone with his thoughts.

Several of the girls had tried to be exceptionally kind to him, but that set the chain of events in motion. It made the other boys jealous. It made the comments start up again - about being different, being weak. That was when the worst happened.

"Know why there aren't any boys that look like you? When a boy is born with no beard at all, the midwife is supposed to put him in a sack with rocks and throw him in the river. They are made wrong."

"They come from an old Elf curse."

"Defective."

"The only reason you were not drowned already is because your father would not let the elders do it, but he is gone now."

Kili felt sick. They were right - no other boy looked like him.

Uncle Thorin was coming back soon. What did Uncle Thorin always tell Fili about the responsibilities of being a Prince and Heir of Durin? You have to make hard decisions. You must do things that seem harsh, even cruel, for the good of all. Thorin led Dwarves far away to hunt Orcs for the good of all, and the price was the lives of eight of them. That is what Kili learned - some have to die for the good of the tribe, and Thorin was the one who decided. Ma had disagreed with Thorin many times, to the point of tears, and still Thorin did as he saw fit.

Thorin was coming back in a few more weeks.

He is going to drown me.

(*******)

Kili kept out of sight when his Uncle returned. Fili rushed to great him, and joined Thorin and his advisors at their kitchen table. Thorin was angry at the Men of Bywater. The Dwarves had sacrificed to clear the land of Orcs for the benefit of all, and the Men were showing them no consideration. They should look for new trading partners.

Dis cooked for them. She seemed to never stop cooking, sewing, or cleaning. When she ran out of things to do in her own home, she was at the home of the sick, the injured, or the widowed. Anything to keep busy.

Kili heard his Uncle ask where he was. Kili could not remember hearing Thorin ask for him ever before.

Fili offered to find him. Kili shrunk back into the shadows of the pantry. You did not ignore a summons from Prince Thorin.

Kili waited until Fili walked past the pantry, to their bedroom. Then, he slipped out through the kitchen unnoticed. He already had a pack waiting in the woods.

(*****)

Fili did not find Kili. He wanted Kili to come join them. Kili was usually such a happy, chattering presence, he seemed to bring a light everywhere he went. But Kili had been wrapped in shadows since their father passed. He was so quiet now.

Kili wasn't in bed, or under it, like he might be if he had done something wrong and was hiding from punishment. Kili had been given to solitude lately. Maybe he had found some place quiet in the mountain to think. Fili had a few such places - sometimes he did need a break from his energetic little brother or the endless practicing and studying expected of him.

"Kili!" he called out, going from room to room.

"Ma, did you send Kili on an errand?" Fili asked. He noticed Kili's coat was gone from the doorway.

"No, I sent him to his room to study."

Fili went back to their room. Kili's books were still in their sack. Something seemed out of place. Kili's bow was gone.

Fili sighed. Kili probably slipped out to the practice range, rather than do his homework. Archery was something their father picked for Kili to study, and had started him young. Father had been an older Dwarf, and a master of ax fighting. He had taught Mister Dwalin and Uncle Thorin when they were young warriors. But Father knew the axe was not the right weapon for his youngest son.

"It must remind Kili of our Father, and how proud he was of him." Fili thought.

"Uncle Thorin, may I take leave, and go look for Kili? I think he has gone to the archery range." Fili asked politely.

"You may take your leave of me, but ask your mother to approve you plans."

"Go, but be home for dinner." Dis nodded absently.

(*******)

Kili was not at the archery range, not even the above-ground range that was closed until later in spring. He was not at the other weapons training places, and not at the part of the forge where their father had worked. He certainly would not be at the school grounds, even though some children gathered there to play in the evenings. Kili had been having a hard year at school. He was holding his own, though, Fili thought.

Fili smiled thinking about the beginning of the school year. Father was still alive. Three older girls had tackled Kili and kissed him repeatedly, fascinated by his smooth cheeks. Kili came home humiliated, refusing to go back to school. He asked what he was supposed to do since he was not allowed to hit girls. Father said he was terribly jealous of all that female attention, and that Kili was certainly allowed to kiss the girls back. It made Kili and Ma laugh. Father always knew the right thing to say.

Fili realized he should not have left Kili alone when Uncle Thorin came back. He had forgotten that when Thorin showed him attention, Father was always there to take Kili aside. The absence of their father must be even stronger now that Thorin was home.

Dinner time was drawing near, and still no sign of Kili.

"I must have missed him on his way back home from wherever." Fili thought.

He returned home. Dinner was on the table. Thorin, Dwalin, and Balin had been joined by Gloin, a distant cousin and successful merchant.

"Where is your brother?" Dis asked.

"He isn't back yet? I could not find him."

"Sit and eat. He has lost track of time." Thorin advised.

Fili worried, but did as he was told.

"The boy is fine, but he is also old enough to know better. I will speak to him when he returns." Thorin told his sister. It was part of what he promised - to look after the boys. He did not want her to coddle them. They would need discipline, especially Dwarf boys without a father. They tended to be stubborn and easily obsessed with the task at hand, ignoring more important duties.

Dinner was followed by dessert, and pipes, and more conversation. The guests took their leave, the evening grew late, and still no Kili.

Dis told Fili to go to bed. "Thorin, you will stay with Fili while I go look for Kili."

"I will go." Thorin insisted.

"No! You do not begin to know where to look. I know where my boys go, who their friends are, and where they play and explore. You shall stay here. Keep the fire going and watch Fili."

Ma was angry. If she had been angry with Uncle Thorin ever before, she never showed it. Ma must have wanted them all to go looking for Kili immediately, but understood Thorin's glance at dinner. Thorin did not want her to overreact, to make her sons live their lives fearfully. Thorin was wrong.

Dis put on her coat, grabbed a lantern, and set out. Thorin sat by the fire.

(*****)

Fili woke at dawn. Kili was not in his bed. He heard a commotion in the kitchen and ran out of their room. It was only Uncle Thorin, preparing breakfast.

"Not yet." Thorin said, pulling biscuits from the oven. Thorin was a passable cook, having spent so much time on the road, tending to his own needs.

The door opened, and Dis came in. "Did Kili come back?"

"No." Thorin told her. Dis started to cry.

Thorin showed a rare gentleness. "Hush, he can't have gone far. He is just hiding now, thinking he is in trouble. I will go get Dwalin and borrow Nain's good hunting dogs. We will find him."

Dwarves were not over fond of dogs, and dogs were not over fond of the Dwarf underground lifestyle. But Nain and his dogs had found a decent rapport, and they were invaluable as trackers.

"Fili," Thorin ordered, "go fetch something your brother wore recently."

Fili ran into their room and opened up Kili's drawer. That's when he realized, Kili had packed his clothes. Fili's heart sank. He had no idea Kili was even thinking of such a thing. How could he not notice how sad his brother was?

Fili grabbed the cover from Kili's pillow and brought it out.

"Take this. His clothes are all either freshly washed or he took them with him - he ran away.

"He what?" Dis cried.

"I should have looked more closely at the room, Ma. I am sorry. We've lost the whole night."

"Which way would he go?" Thorin asked.

"I don't know." Dis sobbed.

"He might go West, to the sea. Father took him there last year and he could not stop talking about it."

"We certainly need the dogs." Thorin turned to his sister, "Dis, pack some supplies for me please. Just in case we are gone overnight."

"I will."

(*****)

Thorin had collected a search party, with Nain coming himself to tend his dogs. Fili caught up with them, hauling packs for himself and Thorin.

"Ma said I was allowed to come with you. I can best figure out what Kili's thinking."

"Alright." Thorin agreed.

The dogs picked up the scent, and headed west, as Fili predicted.

It was still early morning. If they traveled fast, and Kili had slept rather than walked through the night, they might catch him by noon and be home for dinner.

Within an hour, the dogs lost the scent.

"What is wrong with your beasts, Nain?" Dwalin grumbled.

"This is a boy, not an experienced hunter." Thorin muttered.

"Keep circling." Nain assured them, "They will pick it up again."

It took half an hour, but the dogs did pick up the scent once more. They tracked for three more hours.

"Stubborn little cuss must have run all night." Dwalin noted. "It was a full moon, so he had the light."

"He must be tiring." Thorin said, "We shall find him soon. How are you keeping up, Fili?"

"Fine, Uncle." Fili was worried. They should have found him by now. How hard had Kili been running?

They found a stream. Kili drank there - they noted the disturbed rocks. Kili had walked up stream and then crossed. Fortunately he had not used that trick for long, and they easily caught his scent on the other side.

Thorin bade them stop at noon and rest.

Dwalin gestured, "A word with you, Thorin." and they stepped into a grove of trees. "Any idea why Kili left?"

"Fili says he does not know for certain. Maybe it was a tantrum - boys will do that. I hope he is only angry at the loss of his father. I pray it is not the surrender to deep grief that runs in our family, and sets us to wandering. I have been searching for my father for so many years, now I have to search for a boy? I cannot do this again, Dwalin."

Dwalin comforted his friend, "I know what you are thinking, but the boy's head is clear. He packed, he planned, and he is hiding his scent. He's heading nearly straight to the sea. He is not broken, and we will find him."

(*****)

Night fell.

"We have the moon!" Thorin rallied the Dwarves, "We will keep looking."

Suddenly, they lost the scent once more.

"What is this? Kili!" Thorin shouted.

The dogs sniffed and circled a tree, and then begin to bark.

"Shhhh.", Dwalin whispered, pointing up. Nain quieted the dogs.

Kili had climbed into the trees to sleep.

"Kili!" Fili cried with relief.

The branches rustled, and then the rustling grew fainter.

Nain cocked his head, "Is he, is he running away through the trees?"

They caught up to Kili as he ran out of sturdy branches to cross.

"Kili, come down!" Thorin bellowed.

"We are not mad at you, we just want you to come home. You will not get a thrashing, I promise." Fili implored.

Thorin shot Fili a look. That was not a deal he would have struck, but he thought of his grieving sister and decided they should not draw this ordeal out any longer. "I also swear it, Kili. Come down."

Silence.

"Your mother is worried sick, Kili!"

"Uncle, let me climb up and talk to him?"

"Go on." Thorin gestured.

With a boost from Dwalin, Fili climbed up. Kili was huddled on a high branch. He had abandoned his pack in the first tree, but his bow and arrows were still slung over his shoulder.

Fili climbed close enough that he need not shout, but not so close as to scare his brother away.

"Kili, what is wrong?"

"I don't want to die!"

"Kili, no one is going to kill you! You are not in trouble, I swear. We love you, Kili. I am sorry I did not realize how sad you were. I promise to take better care of you."

"You cannot protect me. Only Father could, and he is gone!"

"Protect you from what?"

"Uncle Thorin! He is going to drown me in the river now that Father is gone."

Fili turned pale. He had certainly heard the old wives tales about boys born with no whiskers at all. It was just that, Father told him, superstitious tales. Kili was not unlucky, or sickly, or a shame to the family. He was just different looking. It was why Father told him to let Kili fight his own battles. "He will prove them wrong. You will only make him think himself weak if you help him."

Fili was going to make an exception this time. He would track down the guilty Dwarf brat and beat him to a bloody pulp. Kili could have been killed running so far away. Fili hadn't imagined anyone would have said such things to Kili's face. Father wasn't there to ask, so Kili had let that fear fester inside him.

"Kili, someone told you a terrible lie."

"It wasn't just one who told me. And they are right, why else aren't there any other boys like me?"

"There _are_ boys like you. There have always been boys like you, or there would be no stories about them. You can't tell who they are because when they grow up, they look like every other Dwarf, and so will you. I know because that is what Father told me, and he planned to tell you when you were old enough to ask."

"That's what Father thought, but you don't know what Uncle Thorin thinks, do you? Maybe he thinks I should be drowned. Father never let me out of his sight when Uncle Thorin was home. Why was that?"

Fili had to admit, Thorin treated Kili differently, but he knew their uncle would never harm Kili. Proving it might not be easy.

"Wait here."

(********)

Fili dropped to the ground, "Uncle, I need you to leave, please."

"What?"

Fili whispered, "I can't get Kili down while you are here."

Thorin's face grew red. He was not accustomed to being defied by any Dwarf, let alone a child. This was not acceptable.

"Kili! Get down here now or I swear I will chop this tree down with you in it!"

There was a rustling of branches. Thorin looked satisfied, until the rustling noise grew fainter.

"After him."

At least he was easy to track with all that noise.

Fili called out, "Kili, please stop!"

The Dwarves stopped running and quieted the dogs once more. They listened for movement in the trees. Everything was still. The moon went behind clouds, and they turned up their lanterns with no luck.

Dwalin kept his eyes on the trees, "He is just out of reach, not far. Let's start a fire here. He must be cold and hungry. He'll come down."

Fili faced Thorin "Start a fire and then I want all of you and the dogs to go back to the first tree and wait for us there."

"Fili, that is not how you speak to your elders." Thorin admonished him.

"Uncle, you are what Kili is running from. That is why I asked you to go. I wanted to show Kili that I could keep you away from him."

"So, he blames me. I accept that. He can be as angry with me as he wants, but he will do it at home instead of grieving his mother like this!"

"No, it's not what you think...you are not helping, Uncle!"

Fili moved in closer. "You forget he is a child, and believes other children's stories. Kili thinks he is deformed, and you are going to tie him in a sack with rocks and throw him in a river."

"Oh." Thorin finally understood. He was ashamed to recall how badly he had reacted to the sight of his second nephew, then three months old. The baby was completely beardless, with ridiculously long arms and legs. The eyes were already turning dark brown, not the renowned sapphire blue of every other Heir of Durin. Its nose was so small, Thorin wondered how it could breath.

"I thought you had another boy?"

"I did." Dis replied icily.

Her husband had immediately taken the baby from Thorin's arms. Thorin had heard tell of boys born that way. He was shocked to see one, and in his immediate family.

"Óin has seen him?" he asked awkwardly.

"Yes. Kili is perfectly healthy. Perfectly."

Thorin recalled the old wives tales. How could he not? He had always been told such boys died in the cradle and broke their parents' hearts. He was terrified for Dis, certainly, but he never for an instant considered something so Orcish as drowning an infant. He understood that his sister would do everything in her power to keep this child alive, no matter the odds. That was a mother's courage, stronger than any warrior's.

"Congratulations?"

For the first ten years, Thorin was surprised to see Kili still alive at each visit. Thorin was cautiously optimistic for the next ten years, while Kili survived all of the normal childhood illnesses and injuries.

Another decade passed, and Thorin observed the unusual behavior the young boy exhibited. His parents had to run Kili to the point of exhaustion before the lad could sit still long enough to learn to read. The legendary Dwarf power of concentration - bordering on obsession - was completely missing from this child. In the last ten years, Thorin had grown to accept the boy as he was, and stopped offering criticisms and suggestions as to his rearing. In that same decade, Fili had matured into an ideal future Prince who clearly appreciated Thorin's guidance. Thorin was content with his physically and intellectually talented first heir. He convinced himself that he was being gracious by relinquishing his right to influence Kili's character and education. In truth, Thorin realized he'd either been afraid to care or indifferent up to this point in Kili's life.

He and Kili were strangers. The boy did not know him, and certainly did not trust him.

"Fili, we will start a fire for you and move back. We will be close enough to hear if you call for help. Get your brother to sleep on the ground, lest he fall from that tree. We can talk in the morning."

Nain shrugged, "Don't worry about that one falling from a tree. He's more Elf than Dwarf."

"Nain!"

(*******)

"They are gone, Kili."

Fili put his bedroll by the fire, and pulled out bread and stew Dis had packed. He put the pot by the fire, and let the smell of their mother's cooking waft up into the trees.

Fili barely heard the noise of Kili climbing down.

"He is suspiciously good at tree climbing." Fili thought.

Kili quietly sat down behind Fili, put his arms around his older brother and sobbed.

"No one is going to hurt you." Fili promised.

"It does not matter." Kili cried, "I do not belong anywhere."

"You belong with me, always. I do not know what I would do without you."

"You have more important things to do than be with me."

"No, Kili, I don't. Being you older brother is the best responsibility I will ever have. You are my absolute favorite thing."

"Then you are wasting your time. I don't even want to try to be a Dwarf anymore."

"Kili, you are a good Dwarf. Father knew it. Remember what he said? He said that everything others call a weakness in you is really a strength. He liked that you were fast, and good with a bow, and had dozens of thoughts in your head every waking minute. He said he was a better Dwarf and better father because he had you. I have a secret for you, about Father."

"What?"

"He was a terrible archer. He told me he did not pick up a bow until he was 220 years old. He learned it in secret so that he could share it with you. He was a better warrior for learning it, he said. He did not want to be like every other father, insisting that you be exactly like him. You made him think of how glorious it is to be different."

"He was wrong! He should have made me be just like every other Dwarfling, or he should have stayed with me so I would belong to somebody. Instead, he left me!" Kili sobbed inconsolably.

Fili was at a complete loss for words. He was also grieving for their wise and patient father. No two griefs were alike, and Fili did not know how to ease the terrible loneliness that was unique to Kili's loss.

Fili held his little brother until he was too exhausted to keep crying. He managed to get Kili to lie down, and tucked him into a bedroll. Fili rubbed Kili's back like Ma did when one of them was sick and when he was sure Kili was sound asleep, he hooted to the others.

Uncle Thorin came up to the fire alone. "I will keep watch. You get some sleep as well. We go back in the morning."

"He does not want to go back." Fili sighed.

"We will see. You need to rest, too."

Fili curled up beside Kili, and fell asleep.

(*****)

Fili woke up groggily, with a vague sense of motion. It was still dark. He realized with a start that he was being carried. Dwalin had him.

"Whah? Put me down." he whispered.

It would not do for Kili to wake up wrapped in a blanket, in Thorin's arms, thinking his nightmare came true and he was about to be thrown in the river.

"It's alright, lad." Dwalin put him down and pointed to Thorin, walking ahead with Kili. "Little one woke up thirsty in the night and the two of them made some sort of peace."

Kili was curled up in Thorin's arms, messy dark hair peeping out from the blanket. They were halfway home when dawn broke and they stopped for breakfast. Kili awoke.

"Hungry?" Thorin asked. Both boys nodded silently.

Fili sat down beside Kili and put his arm around his brother. "Better?"

Kili nodded again.

"Good," Uncle Thorin said. "Because you are getting far too big to be carried."

"You are going to tell me the names of the boys who told you those lies." Fili ordered.

Kili shrugged, "Nah, Father would have wanted me to deal with them myself."

"That was very good advice that your father gave you, Kili, but Fili is the oldest. He has a right to know if anyone insulted the family." Thorin told them, "You will give him the names."

Fili nudged his brother, "Also, give me the names of those girls who held you down and kissed you on the first day of school. I shall have to take Father's advice and kiss them back for you."

Kili laughed, and Uncle Thorin joined in. Fili wondered what the two of them talked about last night to sweep away Kili's fears.

"I think you should save that battle for Kili, for when he does return to school." Uncle Thorin advised with a smile.

"Will he not be in school tomorrow?" Fili asked.

"No, I need him at the forge. You father had unfinished orders for battle axes, including a set he designed for Kili. I swore I would finish those orders for your Father, and if Kili wants his axes, he is going to have to help me with the others first."

Father had made Fili his first axes six years ago. It made sense that it was time for Kili have a set. Even if he might never be great with them like Father, a warrior had to try everything.

Fili glanced over at Kili, who had opened up a battered, leather-bound book. The pages were filled with sketches, and notes in Father's handwriting. Uncle Thorin must have been holding on to it for them.

"Look." Kili pointed at the sketches "It is a formula to size the ax. Height and arm length and how much a warrior can lift compared to his body weight. Father figured all of this out."

"He had to figure that out for you." Fili reminded him. "I told you that you challenged him, made him think differently about everything."

Thorin looked on and realized that Kili would challenge him as well. Fili had been easy. Thorin would have to work at being a good uncle to this younger boy. Kili made him want to try.


End file.
